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It's funny really, how your mood can shift so suddenly over the course of a handful of days, when you realize that basically you're done with one of the most essential parts of your life (albeit with a whimper, rather than a bang). I spent March and April in a great deal of anxiety, stress, and near weekly panic attacks over the fact that I'm a few short months from making yet another transition. The first transition I did make essentially fucked me over, and that was the shift from high school to college, screwing up my motivation along with quite a bit more.

But I've managed now. I'm getting a diploma in a decent field, I'm taking summer classes to account for that failure. I'm slowly getting over the fact that I need to stop looking to the past and focus on the future. And it's been ridiculous, given that the last few weeks I have essentially gone 180 degrees in terms of personality shifting - went from literally forcing myself to keep going mere minutes at a time, where my personal problems reached an all time low and I briefly contemplated suicide, and then May hit. And everything wrong basically went out the window and I feel like I've finally reached a point here I'm truly happy. Not just oh I'm in a good mood for once in my life, but truly at the point where I had been trying to reach for the past five year: essentially what I considered the peak of my mood back in high school. I get things done, I'm up, I'm in a good mood, and I'm making things happen.

Like today. Ran, saw Avengers again, bought comic books, had shawarma with Rachel. Typical day, nothing out of the ordinary, but it was honestly something that sort of managed to fuck with my endorphins to the point where I could easily shrug past all of my problems, forget I ever faced them in the first place and not have to look back.

It does things to you. And I think I kind of like it.

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scotty

May 2012

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